(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
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Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
This is not me but this is me
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.