There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
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Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.