I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
You Might Also Like
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda