Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
You Might Also Like
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I have a type: disappointing
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Thursday Thought.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes