the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
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person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.