How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
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[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I’d … I’d rather not.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Got him!
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*