Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
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Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Not all heroes wear capes…
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.