She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
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I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
thank god the sign was there
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money