I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
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9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
My good tweets are in my other pants.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?