Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
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Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
(2022)
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.