[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
*gets down on one knee*
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.