I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
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NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like