Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
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The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end