My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
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Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Vodka burrito was a success
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.