Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
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“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on