Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
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I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…