On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
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When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions