The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Super Hand Dog Face
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.