How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
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Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.