Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
⛄️
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
the three branches of government
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.