[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
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That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime