never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
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Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.