I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
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I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.