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The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Would you wear it?
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
thank god the sign was there
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt