If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
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I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
synchronized noseblowing
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “