My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
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My daily affirmation
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
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Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –