Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
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Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone