I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
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imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”