*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
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Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Sending in my taxes
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
This is the one
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.