If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
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Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
こいつ天才
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?