Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
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My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
TODAY
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did