sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
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My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster