You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
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i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.