Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
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My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how