HERE’S MARKY
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I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
DOOO EEEET