Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
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Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.