International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
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The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I have a new favorite meme page
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I put the p in pants.