I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
You Might Also Like
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.