[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
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Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Always…
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.