My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
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Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Hard not to take this personally
The “baby” on the left….
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.