friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”