Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
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When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.