What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
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If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing