In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
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Truth
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.