“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
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[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.