Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
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When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
We’re all getting idioter.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
🤣🤣🤣
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly