SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
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“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.