Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
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“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me