My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
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When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.