Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
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If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk